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Support Group

In the software industry, we have a term called "male allies". What it means is that they are that group of men who are supportive of women's rights. As women are a minority in the technical industry, we need a support group of men to stand up for us. (Doesn't mean that we cannot stand up for ourselves, but sometimes you need men to stop other men from road rolling over us.) I have my own set of male allies in my life and I figured out they can be of immense help during the IVF process.

To start with, the #1 male ally is Arnab. Yes, he has a big stake in the matter, but that doesn't mean I have to take his support for granted. This is a huge time to test our relationship. A lot of couples go through a very stressful time, infertility causes them to lose temper, blame one another for the "problem" (quotes because it is not a problem as such). We are both very scientific minded, so we are taking this in a practical way. Jokes about the egg retrieval, or in general thinking how my eggs may behave, extrapolating from my nature are funny stuff and it keeps both of us in good humor. Also, it is making me less moody. Also, Arnab has picked up my share of many household chores that I generally don't like to do :)

The second important male ally is my manager. Our organization is going through some changes and I decided that I should change my role. In general, I would not have decided to move to a more demanding role this year, but I took Sheryl Sandberg's advice and thought that even if I conceive on the first IVF, I still have almost a year to deliver the baby and then three more months of maternity leave. So why should I step back? I generally don't like stepping back in my career anyway. I decided to take the plunge. My manager has been immensely helpful. From handling my snappy moods, sending him Slack messages at 10PM and asking for a raise, taking off at random times for doctor's appointments, or just giving me moral support by reminding "the team is here for you".

The team is also a big support. One thing is true, I am very honest with them. They know, hence they understand. Most of them are family people so they know the situation. They are aware that I may not be coming to work on random days so they are keeping my work light now. That is something I will forever be grateful.

My close friends have seen me at my worst and have heard all my TMI stories. And most of them are guys. I feel totally comfortable in discussing super gross things with them like mid cycle bleeding, yeast infections, or where the Nuvaring is placed. To my periods issues they reply with "but when I cut my finger while chopping vegetables I bled so much, so much, that I lay in a pool of my blood". Or they come up with their ideas of periods, like one guy thinks some women get periods every alternate month. After my infectious diseases test, they kept on telling me that as I had malaria (I am the only one they know of who had malaria)  I may still be infectious. Another one said, "your doctor has no idea how many planets you went to before you came to Earth, so you may have weird diseases". These weird conversations make the seriousness of the matter go away. It becomes light, and manageable. 

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