The Background

I am thinking of keeping an IVF journal to write down my thoughts as they come now. I know once the process is done, whether it works or does not, I surely will not be able to bring back these thoughts. I was thinking about my journey so far, and of the journey that lies ahead. In my life, everything has been pretty planned and the results expected (other than my score on the English paper in the Board Exams of class 10). My life generally revolves around studies, career, family, friends, having fun. Bringing a baby in the picture falls in a totally different bucket.

After my miscarriage in 2015, I figured out, probably for the first time, that life is unfair and I really have no control over my own life. We took a break from baby planning until the start of 2017. We traveled, attended conferences, did a lot of fun stuff and then this year decided it was time again to chart my ovulations. Nothing happened for the first six months. Working in an industry where a delay of a few microseconds in retrieving data from a database is considered close to having an apocalypse, you can imagine how hard it is to be patient. Around the middle of this year, we decided to go see a reproductive endocrinologist (RE). I needed more data, I had to see where I stand, get a baseline. Without any of those, it seemed like timing everything for those 5 days were close to shooting darts in the dark.

Luckily, our RE is an awesome person. There also I was shown a new perspective. As Indians, we have an innate hatred for Pakistanis. We are taught to hate their cricket team, and from there everything that our neighboring country has. The moment I found out this RE is from Pakistan, my first reaction was "eeek!" Then I saw the caliber of doctor that he is, and both Arnab and I soon became his fan. He is one of the gentlest, most soft spoken, extremely smart, and erudite person ever. With that a great husband and a father of 3 kids.

We went through such a great number of tests that I felt even if god went through those we would find something a little off with god, himself. Hormone panels, baseline, then after 10 days, ultrasounds, HSG - a test with a contrast dye injected in the uterus and then X-ray-ed to find if all the tubes are open, etc. We had karyotypes tested for chromosomal abnormalities, testing our own 274 and 254 genes individually, semen analysis,... I don't remember how many more stuff we went through. I also went from a zero medication person to popping close to half a dozen pills after lunch. There are more after breakfast and dinner. Not all medications were without side effects. From having more than average percentage of deep sleep every night, I found myself waking up constantly, not being able to sleep and getting terribly irritated throughout the day.

While going through all these, as I am still trying to stay sane, the last thing I want to hear is discouraging comments. Some of the discouraging comments are -

"My friend is older than you, but she conceived naturally after years of trying." - So? Your friend and I are not carbon copies, so it is most likely that your friend has some different medical conditions than I have. Many women conceive naturally without any problem even in their late 30s, some others need help in their 20s, we are not the same.

"It is an expensive process, isn't it?" - Yes, but know what? I am a working professional, and I am grateful to have an employer that provides for a good health insurance. You want to know another little thing? Neither me, nor my husband wastes money. We save, and our little indulgences are well within our means. We do not show off by buying designer clothes, or random crap that nobody really cares about. Also, to put in perspective, it is probably costing the same as a good vacation, or like a friend said, "think of it as spending for a cheap car."

"The hormone injections are painful, my friend couldn't continue" or on a similar note, "the hormone injections are that big" - Yes, I know they are painful. But so are insulin shots. Will you tell a diabetic person "your shots are painful"? We all know that all kinds of shots are painful and we are not doing this for fun. If your friend couldn't continue those, that is very unfortunate and I feel for her in a way you can never really do. But how does that change my life? Who knows maybe I will not find them as difficult?

"You need to relax" - Yes, exactly. I will relax when you come do my cooking, cleaning, and doctor appointments on top of my daily 9-5 job. I am trying hard to relax, but please keep in mind, it is not so easy.

"Adoption is an option" - I know. But to me adoption is not a second thought just because a couple cannot conceive naturally. Adoption is an option for everyone, whether you have biological kids or not.

"I am sorry" - Why are you sorry? This is not a bad thing. Will you say "I am sorry you had to get your wisdom teeth removed?" It is as silly as that. There is nothing so be sorry about, feel excited for the couple, and for the fact that science has advanced to this level.

However, I must say this. All of the bad comments I heard were from women. I should also mention the good stuff I heard.

My hairdresser, on hearing about my upcoming IVF clapped her hands and said, "I am so excited, I can't wait to be an aunt." My guy friends at work keep joking about when "a little Ria" would come and how disastrous would that be for humankind because now there will be two troublemakers instead of one! They have also reminded me again and again, when I go for checkups, that "all issues have seen years of action". My manager (who is a guy) has reminded me, that "the team is here for you". And that taking days off is not a problem. The best has been my former manager (from my last company) who reacted with "Congratulations! As this is coming soon anyway!" There have been people who have just given me hugs and wished me the best, or said funny things about the egg retrieval to keep my spirits up. I can never thank them enough.

I try to keep joking because humor makes many bad situations lighten up easily. It is nice to be able to joke with Arnab about how my statistics loving eggs may be calculating things on their own. Or may be just like me, my eggs are strong independent women with a will of their own!

It is much easy to break down, but when I come close to giving up, or wonder about the unfairness of life as women whose kids have to be taken away by CPS can get pregnant so easily, but here I am with a stable family, loving husband, a nice home, and financially stable but going through this hell, I change my perspective. What I am thinking of as hell, may turn out to be a live science experiment of creating life that I will be a part of. At the end of the day, I stay strong, and positive. Because I know that as Swami Vivekananda said, the world is a gymnasium where we come to make ourselves strong. And Rabindranath, constantly gives me courage and hope with this song I chanced upon after my first IVF consultation - "নিশিদিন ভরসা রাখিস, হবেই হবে, ওরে মন হবেই হবে" =)